M,
In those incredibly dark moments of what could be called my 'romantic life', before you, of course, I had this nagging idea that I would be alone for the rest of my life. I thought this was the calling on me, and my failures at love seemed to suggest this, and that i would never be able to be open to anyone in any real way. There are traces of that in me, now, scars that are easily wounds again and a crippling fear that my true and honest self could not accepted by human arms. You see this is in me, sometimes; the holding back, the closing up, the mumbled energy and the uncertainty i can bring forth with my actions. It is not a lack of something in you but a lack of something in me. I am still learning to love without fear.
It is not that there is something dramatic in the past. I do not look back at any particular person or time with desire or hope. I am in the best spell of love that has ever existed for me. I am content, i am full and i am in joy. At least, in theory. At least, this is what my heart knows. There remains, still, this aching fear that a)i will mess up royally or b)this is all a cruel ruse and God will soon take it all from me and tell me: "this is love. Love is pain."
Bad Ja rule album aside, i cannot shake either fear and i live in this shadow of happiness punctuated by these ideas of falling. I am not worried, though. We are only in class. The exam is written and passed. We are learning but only to understand how the test was passed for us. We are becoming the person we already graduated life. I do not sit and wonder if I will get better. I know I will. It is written. It is sure.
Loving you will be one of the grandest lessons i will ever learn. And I like that class. I want to spend a lot time learning to do that properly and without fear.
Wednesday, September 26, 2018
Tuesday, September 25, 2018
"Grace finds beauty in everything"
M,
When we talk of characters in stories, it is always about the need to make them live in colour and not in black and white. Life is more round than straight, more zig-zag than concentric and more random, it may seem, than logical. People are always more complex than what they appear.
No one needs to stray far to find this out. It is within our own souls. The chaos we are and can create moving from hour to hour and life to life, is a reminder of how though we can make things we can also break things. One is not the sum of our lives over the other. If we measure our bad acts against our good acts, we would fall into doubt and fear and self loathing. So we create a fiction about ourselves, a story so grand and encompassing it keeps us walking when we would be crawling at the truth of ourselves and the depths of our own depravity. Writers need more honesty than imagination. All of us suffer under the stain of imperfection. The complexity of the human soul is there, in all of us.
This is what makes Grace so important. It is that "wide road that keeps my legs from slipping". It is the beautiful idea that the condemnation of man or woman is irrelevant in view of the love of God. And beyond that, it is the assurance that we will get better in time and be full in eternity. It is not an excuse to keep on sinning but the idea that sin can end, if you so choose. It is not embracing that life and everything, and the human soul, can be ugly, but the comfort, the everlasting consolation, that grace finds beauty in everything, even in us.
When we talk of characters in stories, it is always about the need to make them live in colour and not in black and white. Life is more round than straight, more zig-zag than concentric and more random, it may seem, than logical. People are always more complex than what they appear.
No one needs to stray far to find this out. It is within our own souls. The chaos we are and can create moving from hour to hour and life to life, is a reminder of how though we can make things we can also break things. One is not the sum of our lives over the other. If we measure our bad acts against our good acts, we would fall into doubt and fear and self loathing. So we create a fiction about ourselves, a story so grand and encompassing it keeps us walking when we would be crawling at the truth of ourselves and the depths of our own depravity. Writers need more honesty than imagination. All of us suffer under the stain of imperfection. The complexity of the human soul is there, in all of us.
This is what makes Grace so important. It is that "wide road that keeps my legs from slipping". It is the beautiful idea that the condemnation of man or woman is irrelevant in view of the love of God. And beyond that, it is the assurance that we will get better in time and be full in eternity. It is not an excuse to keep on sinning but the idea that sin can end, if you so choose. It is not embracing that life and everything, and the human soul, can be ugly, but the comfort, the everlasting consolation, that grace finds beauty in everything, even in us.
Friday, September 21, 2018
Beyond Here.
H,
We were always made for things beyond here. The lie is that we can have an eternal effect on a temporal set of circumstances. No. Sparks of light are not the sun. A candle is not a raging fire. An idea of heaven is not heaven at all. We were not made to be comfortable on earth. We are not to find our peace in this troubled times. There is something to be said for rage, for frustration and for the deep dissatisfaction of the soul.
We have spent too much time trying to fit in. It is okay to be as you are. If we accept this, take it for granted that we are both made for more and born this way, then we might put aside the endless drink and whoring and ambition and other consolations that cannot answer the question of being. Nothing purely of earth can speak to the eternity hidden in every human heart.
This is the thing we must give up; the idea that we can make this all matter somehow. That we can work hard enough and deep enough and steadily enough to make a dent in the whole fabric of time and space and meaning. That is never going to happen. This is not real life. When we break from the wool that has been put on our eyes, we may get at something truly vital: the art of giving up. We do not give up into despair or inertia. We give up the game, the pretense and that ego that tells us we are at the centre of all experience. We wake up to something more. Love unbound by time. God. What will we live for now? In Him. Move. Live. Have our full being.
This will not make us care less but more. It will not drop us to the floor but to our knees in prayer and on our feet in faith. There is no fear of falling or failing because these are temporal concepts. We live in and for eternal value now. Any "impact" we seek is beyond here.
We were always made for things beyond here. The lie is that we can have an eternal effect on a temporal set of circumstances. No. Sparks of light are not the sun. A candle is not a raging fire. An idea of heaven is not heaven at all. We were not made to be comfortable on earth. We are not to find our peace in this troubled times. There is something to be said for rage, for frustration and for the deep dissatisfaction of the soul.
We have spent too much time trying to fit in. It is okay to be as you are. If we accept this, take it for granted that we are both made for more and born this way, then we might put aside the endless drink and whoring and ambition and other consolations that cannot answer the question of being. Nothing purely of earth can speak to the eternity hidden in every human heart.
This is the thing we must give up; the idea that we can make this all matter somehow. That we can work hard enough and deep enough and steadily enough to make a dent in the whole fabric of time and space and meaning. That is never going to happen. This is not real life. When we break from the wool that has been put on our eyes, we may get at something truly vital: the art of giving up. We do not give up into despair or inertia. We give up the game, the pretense and that ego that tells us we are at the centre of all experience. We wake up to something more. Love unbound by time. God. What will we live for now? In Him. Move. Live. Have our full being.
This will not make us care less but more. It will not drop us to the floor but to our knees in prayer and on our feet in faith. There is no fear of falling or failing because these are temporal concepts. We live in and for eternal value now. Any "impact" we seek is beyond here.
Thursday, September 20, 2018
Ordinary Heart.
H,
There is no denying the depth of human failure. We see it in the way the world really operates, not the plaster-thin tale of a prosperous earth, but in the poverty of most of the earth, in the fact that we are told that the richest of us can end poverty, and they never will. This does not make them evil. It makes them human. It is proof of our ordinary heart.
And, perhaps, we are looking to high into the thing. We can easily scan the path of everyday life and interactions. We may, not so easily, but more vitally, turn the spotlight on ourselves and begin to see who we are in light of the great aspirations of the spiritual life. There are no moral or physical miracles bursting out on our pilgrimage. We know we do not often measure up to the high value of that calling we received years ago. The word is choked by the world. We find "rhema" for our selfishness. We redefine the wheel. We make selfishness an art-form and selflessness unwise and unscripted. We suffer from that most human of maladies: an ordinary heart.
Brother in arms, this is not a rallying cry or prophetic shout(out) in the wilderness. It is a slow realization of the limits of our human state. We used to cry "I need you/lord i need you/every hour..."
It is much more serious than that. We cannot ascend unless He descends. I used to think there was some fixing to do. No. It is a brand new care needed. There has to be nothing else left of the ordinary heart for the eternal seed to truly flourish. Everything else we do is a negotiation.
These fragile vessels we live in hold no eternal worth. The heart is the thing we are told to guard. There lies the calling card and the only thing that will not die. Our pilgrimage is to experience the things that will not work so we can learn to hold to the thing that will. We are here to die, in all that absurdity, in order that we can have the real life of value. This is not some metaphor or irony or oxymoron for the pleasure of playing with words. It explains why we fall so much and much more in secret. It tells us why we run from our flaws and into our promise. It spells out for us why the ordinary heart is always telling us to put our first foot forward. We need a lie to keep on holding on to a sense of self against the tide of the world speaking against our worth.
There is no denying the depth of human failure. We see it in the way the world really operates, not the plaster-thin tale of a prosperous earth, but in the poverty of most of the earth, in the fact that we are told that the richest of us can end poverty, and they never will. This does not make them evil. It makes them human. It is proof of our ordinary heart.
And, perhaps, we are looking to high into the thing. We can easily scan the path of everyday life and interactions. We may, not so easily, but more vitally, turn the spotlight on ourselves and begin to see who we are in light of the great aspirations of the spiritual life. There are no moral or physical miracles bursting out on our pilgrimage. We know we do not often measure up to the high value of that calling we received years ago. The word is choked by the world. We find "rhema" for our selfishness. We redefine the wheel. We make selfishness an art-form and selflessness unwise and unscripted. We suffer from that most human of maladies: an ordinary heart.
Brother in arms, this is not a rallying cry or prophetic shout(out) in the wilderness. It is a slow realization of the limits of our human state. We used to cry "I need you/lord i need you/every hour..."
It is much more serious than that. We cannot ascend unless He descends. I used to think there was some fixing to do. No. It is a brand new care needed. There has to be nothing else left of the ordinary heart for the eternal seed to truly flourish. Everything else we do is a negotiation.
These fragile vessels we live in hold no eternal worth. The heart is the thing we are told to guard. There lies the calling card and the only thing that will not die. Our pilgrimage is to experience the things that will not work so we can learn to hold to the thing that will. We are here to die, in all that absurdity, in order that we can have the real life of value. This is not some metaphor or irony or oxymoron for the pleasure of playing with words. It explains why we fall so much and much more in secret. It tells us why we run from our flaws and into our promise. It spells out for us why the ordinary heart is always telling us to put our first foot forward. We need a lie to keep on holding on to a sense of self against the tide of the world speaking against our worth.
The Gospels tell us not to be afraid. It tells us to let go.
For in giving your life you will find. It tells us that Christ already
conquered the world. How? By dying young, poor, betrayed and with His legacy
unclear. In other words, by living aside from everything the world tells us is
important. Wealth. Long life. Loyalty. Legacy. It is not a paradigm shift or
new set of ideals. It is a totally new reality. A new kind of life. An extraordinary
heart.
We will be growing into that for a while.
Wednesday, September 19, 2018
Daily
H,
There is something about the daily grind of living that keeps us from life. We are constantly in this battle for our own minds against the tide that would tell us how to live and what is important. The tide disguises itself as simplicity when what it really does is muddle things up. It robs us of focus, clarity and the peace of mind that comes in resting in God. It does not come with all the loud clanging of other temptations, it comes with its own sort of of silence; an axiomatic argument based on our own base desires for relevance, recognition and acceptance. There is nothing wrong with any of those things, base desires are not bad just basic, but to make them the focus of our coming and going takes us away from the story of grace and onto the well worn paths of running up that Sisyphean hill. This is an even more insidious mound of rock and sand than in the fable. This has marks of progress and sparks of artificial light. We quickly forget the higher things to which we are sworn. Endless advancement becomes the eternal goal and eternity becomes something you earn with earthy sand.
To clear, the tide is not part of the world but the world itself. It is easy to compartmentalize and say there is something in the world to extract and seek balance in. This would be a mistake. It is even easier to say that the world is full of evil people with evil intent and a wilderness is always required. This would be an even graver mistake. There is no "us" against "them". We are all facing this tide. We are all divine beings having a human experience. We are all trying to make sense of the universe.
Our challenge is to remember this shared camaraderie, this common destiny and this beautiful idea that we were created to think and feel and love and be honest until we know the truth, everyday. We are not at war with each other, not competing over dogmas and definitely should not care who will be right or wrong in the end. This division is only part of the tide. It takes us away from the simplicity of our faith. It stops us from demonstrating in character what our faith says in the holy book. It robs us of both our connection to the divine and our connection to each other. The former cannot exist without the latter.
We need to be rid of the tide. It is not easy and it will take a lifetime to this. It is not important to panic, fret or be in a hurry to free of these things that bind. It is enough that we know this today. It is enough that we remember this daily.
There is something about the daily grind of living that keeps us from life. We are constantly in this battle for our own minds against the tide that would tell us how to live and what is important. The tide disguises itself as simplicity when what it really does is muddle things up. It robs us of focus, clarity and the peace of mind that comes in resting in God. It does not come with all the loud clanging of other temptations, it comes with its own sort of of silence; an axiomatic argument based on our own base desires for relevance, recognition and acceptance. There is nothing wrong with any of those things, base desires are not bad just basic, but to make them the focus of our coming and going takes us away from the story of grace and onto the well worn paths of running up that Sisyphean hill. This is an even more insidious mound of rock and sand than in the fable. This has marks of progress and sparks of artificial light. We quickly forget the higher things to which we are sworn. Endless advancement becomes the eternal goal and eternity becomes something you earn with earthy sand.
To clear, the tide is not part of the world but the world itself. It is easy to compartmentalize and say there is something in the world to extract and seek balance in. This would be a mistake. It is even easier to say that the world is full of evil people with evil intent and a wilderness is always required. This would be an even graver mistake. There is no "us" against "them". We are all facing this tide. We are all divine beings having a human experience. We are all trying to make sense of the universe.
Our challenge is to remember this shared camaraderie, this common destiny and this beautiful idea that we were created to think and feel and love and be honest until we know the truth, everyday. We are not at war with each other, not competing over dogmas and definitely should not care who will be right or wrong in the end. This division is only part of the tide. It takes us away from the simplicity of our faith. It stops us from demonstrating in character what our faith says in the holy book. It robs us of both our connection to the divine and our connection to each other. The former cannot exist without the latter.
We need to be rid of the tide. It is not easy and it will take a lifetime to this. It is not important to panic, fret or be in a hurry to free of these things that bind. It is enough that we know this today. It is enough that we remember this daily.
Tuesday, September 18, 2018
Ordinary Time
H,
There is a telling nature to the way time bends now. We are fast approaching those dreaded forties were foolishness and wisdom are supposedly set in stone. What did we do with our roaring twenties?
Being mostly Pentecostal by the time we hit the high notes of having our own agency, we were full of that fire of the moment. We were here to change the world into the image of the one who changes not. We had that hot aired arrogance, the privileged stance of being in step with eternal things and the stupid mask of vanity to crown all we did with a certain veneer of wholeness (or holiness). Of course we were wrong, but we were slowly learning. Perhaps, we are still learning now.
And, in the now we suffer the burden of knowing better. We also struggle with a loss of confidence. We second guess, proscribe our own thoughts, and live in this half-step or non-step of getting through the days without causing too much harm to ourselves and, maybe, others. This is far away from our old self. We are in that cold state. The crushed seed, the smoldering wick, the faltering heart and the hidden frame. God help us. We have turned foolishness into a sort of wisdom.
We have our excuses but none will do. Mine has always been fear. Not fear of anything in particular, but fear itself. When you are afraid of anything then you are afraid of everything. Fear robs us of both the bravery of our own agency and the peace of our own sleep. It is inactivity couched in waiting or cowardice disguised as calculation. It is one of those things, i guess, i have to die to daily. Not with bravado or the fake muscles of the soul, but with honesty and the great walk with God. The walk was were we started. The walk is where we are going back to.
We cannot calculate life in ordinary time. The walk with God will not make sense like that. In that great conversation, the journey from self to true being, there are many quiet spots and dry seasons. There is time for diversions, cock ups, frailty and getting lost in the fields. There is no hurry and there is no final lesson. We are into something eternal and the things that last forever can take all the ordinary time they need.
We are not quite into our forties. There is no need to hurry along like we are catching up. We live in the rest of God, the seventh day of His own glory. Let us remember that, now and always. Let us step our of ordinary time once more. Let's walk.
There is a telling nature to the way time bends now. We are fast approaching those dreaded forties were foolishness and wisdom are supposedly set in stone. What did we do with our roaring twenties?
Being mostly Pentecostal by the time we hit the high notes of having our own agency, we were full of that fire of the moment. We were here to change the world into the image of the one who changes not. We had that hot aired arrogance, the privileged stance of being in step with eternal things and the stupid mask of vanity to crown all we did with a certain veneer of wholeness (or holiness). Of course we were wrong, but we were slowly learning. Perhaps, we are still learning now.
And, in the now we suffer the burden of knowing better. We also struggle with a loss of confidence. We second guess, proscribe our own thoughts, and live in this half-step or non-step of getting through the days without causing too much harm to ourselves and, maybe, others. This is far away from our old self. We are in that cold state. The crushed seed, the smoldering wick, the faltering heart and the hidden frame. God help us. We have turned foolishness into a sort of wisdom.
We have our excuses but none will do. Mine has always been fear. Not fear of anything in particular, but fear itself. When you are afraid of anything then you are afraid of everything. Fear robs us of both the bravery of our own agency and the peace of our own sleep. It is inactivity couched in waiting or cowardice disguised as calculation. It is one of those things, i guess, i have to die to daily. Not with bravado or the fake muscles of the soul, but with honesty and the great walk with God. The walk was were we started. The walk is where we are going back to.
We cannot calculate life in ordinary time. The walk with God will not make sense like that. In that great conversation, the journey from self to true being, there are many quiet spots and dry seasons. There is time for diversions, cock ups, frailty and getting lost in the fields. There is no hurry and there is no final lesson. We are into something eternal and the things that last forever can take all the ordinary time they need.
We are not quite into our forties. There is no need to hurry along like we are catching up. We live in the rest of God, the seventh day of His own glory. Let us remember that, now and always. Let us step our of ordinary time once more. Let's walk.
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