“Failure”

The thing we did not know when we were younger, the part of living that we were told to de-emphasis, is the role of failure in all of present life. We were not told that we would fail and we were told what to do next. Sure, there were all these positive training on effort, exercise and purpose. There were always enough handy self-help books to make it seem like failure was just a “stepping stone” and the famous need to “brush the dust off your shoulders” and try again. That is too cruel a summary and too general a solution to do any real good.

The inside of failure, the real event and the actual feeling of it is something totally outside the unhealthy balm of quick fixes and fast sprints away from even the slightest feeling of ennui.  There is always something to face in failure, something to come to terms with and something to overcome. We cannot skip the steps.

Of course it is not wise to dwell on your failures. There are too many of them so you will drown. Yet, it is even more foolhardy to pretend that you do not see them, like they do not mutate or grow or become untenable. There is a very broad but easy line between trying to move on from defeat and hiding every defeat so you can re-write it as a victory.

And, beyond all that, is the definition problem. Failure, to one who believes, is not material. There is no place for material ends in spiritual matters. Material things are merely a tool to say or do something that enlightens the spirit. There is no measure of spiritual progress that is material. This will always be a false scale. The rich man who met Jesus was not wrong because he was rich but because his wealth had come to define him. He was told to give it all away so Christ could get who he really was. We are not our stuff. Spiritual progress and regress are the only true measures of failure and success in the Christian experience. Things are taking you closer to God or away from God. We fail when we are away and we succeed when we draw closer. This is the real line in the sand. There is no rich or poor, no powerful or powerless and no progressive or regressive based on material conditions or markers. God is not trying to give you a career. He is trying to give life and life more abundantly.

"Home"

H,

It has been a long time since I felt this far away from home. I do not know how I became so comfortable with being lost. It used to be that I could not go a day without it. Now I am in the most depraved cynicism that all the old bonds and foundations have begun to mean nothing. 

There is no sense of home in my heart anymore.

Yet, I am still very hungry. It is a cold wilderness and having no purpose means just surviving the elements. There is no poetry, no beauty, no ideal and certainly no peace. There is only machination and savagery and trying to get by on with the wits of personal schemes and party tricks. It is all smoke and mirrors and not thinking of anything because that is the real enemy.

 Thinking, dreaming, living up to something is death. All I want is all I want so I want nothing at all.

But, home is still a present part of my nightmares. The bad is only the mutated good and the dark is only the absence of light. In the poverty of my soul I can hear the riches of Elyon calling sweetly. The wilderness is only the sunken place away from home and every direction I walk in I am closer to the loving yearn we all come from.

Amen.