From
Mathew 6:8-12
H,
Today
is that terrible day when I remember someone who died a bit too soon. It is not
the anniversary of his death but of his birth. It has been on my mind all week
and a cloud hung over me. I did not know why until the thing hit me hard. I had
to resurrect my old letters to you.
I do
not think I have yet broken down over the event. It is still in stealth mode:
this pain I ought to feel. For I have lost something. A friendship, and
everything has to be a friendship to truly work, has gone to places I do not
know. The “ever after” is a strange concept to an earth walker. What does it do
for me in the now? All the good stuff has this warranty in tiny print that says
you cannot touch it or live it out fully until you cross over to that other
side. Well, I do not know how I feel about that today.
The thing
that stings the most is how much you take for granted the moments that should
be termed eternal. Male camaraderie is full of all this “e go be” and “later”
and “sup”. It is full of feckless criticism and hard looks at pointless things
and then death comes and the bottom of the thing gives way. I am rambling on
but I think I am trying to say I should have been kinder to him. I am trying to
say I miss him desperately.
It was
the first thought in my head today. I mumbled on in prayer but the verse above
hit me in new ways. Do we ever truly know what we need? Do we know what will fulfill
and what will frustrate? We are in the dark and a light comes and tells us this
and then we wander into the light and then we compete to be “mature” and to
know the words so we can sing the song. The song is for the tone deaf and
melody free. It is for the open hearts and empty heads that cannot remember the
words anymore but want to be filled daily with something new. It is for those
who are not afraid to be clueless in a world of fake clues and answers. Not forever,
just for a bit. Until He comes and breaks into song with us and we learn to
learn it all in the flow of eternal love.
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