7/12/2016

You,

“All in because your heart is broken.”

There is a secret you do not even tell yourself. It is the most intimate one you have. It is not something you did or some past misdeed you are hoping is never revealed. It is not even something you are aware of. You will know it when you finally tell yourself but not a minute before. I do not even know what it is. I only know of it. I have one too.

It connects all of us because we have all some version of this secret. It is very specific but it weighs the same. I am not trying to be vague or mysterious. It is hard to explain. The best I can do is say: your heart is broken.

I do not mean this in any romantic way. That exists but this is not what I mean here. I am talking of something fundamental. It is the sense you get that there is something wrong with you. It is that self-hate, self-loathing and fear that crystallizes in acts you never thought you would be involved in. It is the icy calm of when you do not care anymore. It is many things, some delicious and some ugly but all with a seething darkness and detached sort of approach to life and living.

We are always battling against our own nihilism. We are always trying to fight against the dark. We invent purpose out of that struggle. We make up goals and plans and make an Everest out of every little thing to connect ourselves to the meaningful. We make love out of other hearts and crown others the saints of our own souls. We find connections and levity and balance and light. We find religion and hope and faith and a belief in the innate goodness of all that is human trampled on by everything else. We make the world bigger around us so the voice of our broken heart can be smaller.

I know I am taking the general swing at things to see what sticks. Every heart is different. No one processes it the same way. Yet, late at night or early in the morning or whenever we let contemplation in for a bit, in absolute honesty, we find that vast space of unexplained longing for everything out of reach. We find the voice of our own broken heart and the particular way the pieces are fallen over in us.

I want to say that God is the answer (because I have found this to be true) but that does not quite cover it. Faith is not a feel good drug and you will feel this way most of your life. Perhaps, all your life.

What I can truly say is that a lifetime in God is the answer. What I can assure you of is that you are in repair.

You, beautiful soul.