“Doubt.”

H,

This may be with us for a while: doubt. There is this silly idea that we must never doubt anything. It is not true. We will doubt everything. The more we see ourselves in the light the more we are aware of all that former darkness. To believe that evil is darkness receding is fine but to not be honest enough to wonder why it is so strong in the first place is covering up the places where growth is needed. A closed up wound is out of sight but festering.

My prayers nowadays, as little as they may be, are all around doubt. I keep wondering about everything we know, we think we know, everything we heard in the secret garden of words, everything we think we heard. I wonder about the slaughter of innocents, the horrible acres of war on the planet, the terrible hurt children suffer and the illness in the human spirit that makes all this possible. It is easier and much more profitable in the secular and spiritual worlds to ignore what is bad and focus on what is good. Personal stories and familial progress can cover up the true horror that is human history, the present state of many souls suffering and the future that seeks to advance the good story over the real story. We are constantly looking for hallmarks, heroes, exemplars, neat endings and tales of progress. When we hit the great stone of all stones, when we come face to face to something we cannot explain, then we fall back to the old rhetoric of change, the old mantra about choice and the curious logic of the dialectic over the humane. We put things in perspective so it looks like the dark is not winning.

These are all thoughts of my doubt and I know the dark is not winning. I just wish I could connect with what He says. I wonder what She thinks of the world and how much She still cries over it. I wonder that They think about my doubt.