“Tired heart”

H,

We have this need to treat love and God as some kind of miracle drug. This is not the kind of drug that heals but the kind that intoxicates. We want escape from the world and not resolution. We do not want to confront anything. We just want to run. Perhaps, this is why we are always so tired.

I know I get up every morning looking for a reason to put one leg ahead of the other. I am looking for some sense of balance, of levity, and the feeling that I am making progress in spite of the things in my way. This just makes my heart tired. I am not allowing myself to feel anything. I am tired from the effort of running.

There is no escape in the life with God. We are supposed to feel things, know things, go through things, have faith, fall a lot and learn to pray in fetal position. We have to learn to love instead of judge, to forgive instead of retaliating and to face ourselves first instead of being this constant burden to others while we claim we are “just being honest”. Everything we are told not to do is not a set of rules but the crucial substitution of living in the light above running around in the dark.

And so, it happens that we hit a brick wall. We find that we have run out of options, out of time and we think that means God has run out of patience. No. He never does. Lying in the depths of all our failure is the call from God to stand up, once again.

We must allow ourselves feel things. We can be tired. We can feel off. We do not need the placebo of the soul. We have living water. It is not that we will not feel thirst again. It is that we need not go to the well again. The well is inside. There is no thirst only the feeling of being thirsty. It will pass. We must allow ourselves to feel tired and off. It is what we do with it that matters. We have to spend less time running from our solution and more time on the floor, saying “I am tired, I am tired.”

Honesty is still always where we will find the truth