H,
It is well storied, at least to me, this constant battle with anxiety
and dread. Once, it was all in stutters and now it is spread evenly across all
my engagements with life and living. It is not easy to speak, to ask, to talk
on the phone or to be assertive in a room where I know I should speak up or
make a contribution.
I used to resent this shadow. I used to hate how it felt; that knot in
the stomach and that doubt in the mind. I used to hate myself for it and remonstrate
with my inner state in the foulest language. It used to be the greatest effort
to do anything and leave me completely drained of all my energy and all of myself.
I know a lot of people feel like this. The world is not set up to make
you feel validated or powerful or significant or seen.
I know a lot of people feel like this. And that was the start of the breakthrough
for me. The dark always seeks to isolate and define the problem in the most
peculiar terms. It makes it seem like you are a sore thumb upon the tapestry of
time and space. You may be unique, but you are not exceptional to the human
experience. Neither are you inferior to it.
I do not know if it was the soft tones of Elyon directly, a lifetime of
those, or some of his vessels, including my mother reading out one of the
letters to Timothy “Spirit of courage and a sound mind”, but something finally
broke through. It flattened the higher levels of self-hate and despair and it
said to the individuals moments: “this fear you feel is good. It just means you
care. Now, be calm and do the thing you care about.”
I cannot tell you the watershed this was. To understand your inner
state, to know this is what that means and to do things in spite of the nagging
and rising terror that only tells you how much you cannot do.
We do not live without the sound and fury of fear but in spite of it.
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