From
Romans 12:1-2
H,
This holiness business is
deep stuff. It is also round the corner hard. There are always new bits to it
and there is an undertone of outward reliance that does not bode well for the
pristine buzz of self righteous indignation at the slow pokes of the holiness
game. In other words, when you think you are hot, with God, you are not.
It is all this giving up
stuff that gets to me. This necessary renewal of the mind to expand itself into
the will of God and all that Coltrane music. I struggle with it quite a bit. The
mind is such an intimate space to give to God. He already searches it without a
warrant. What more does he want from the doppelganger me? The question is the
answer or the answer is in the question: all of me.
Like I say, I struggle with
it. I just want to know where I am going and when I will get there. I also want
to know that I thought it all up myself. I laid out the tracks in my mind. Of course,
this all means I am in mid-renewal. I have accepted the first great premise of
all life but I still struggle with the logic of the road. I have been told that
there is a path to the fulfillment of all these longings and hopes and dreams
and lust I feel for life. I have been told this is life. I agree. The other
things make no sense to me anymore. I could never go back. I could have a binge
and fall into trysts (…hmmm…on advice of counsel, I say no more for fear that I
might incriminate myself by lying...) but they no longer have the sting of the
holy.
This is what I am left with
now: a daily turn and turn into the heights of goodness and the depths of
brightness. It is a heart wrenching quest into the very darkness you hide as
private thoughts. We always cry: God what is your will? It is time we came to
the slow awareness that His will may (or shall?) not occur to untamed minds.
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