Mins,
I cannot say in any words
that exist how much of a blessing this whole month gone by has been. We are
living something of a joint-life so you know all the bright details and dark
spots of our adventure. You know more than anyone how much I am in need of
constant light to function at anywhere near normal level.
It is a strange and glorious
thing to fall in love with another person. It suddenly puts in perspective all
the other things you were up to that you would have called, well, “being in
love or falling in love”. You will recall all your former hungers and crucial
tears and desperate moves to be coupled with this person or that idea of a
person. When you reach the absolute plateau of your experiences, it will
suddenly occur to you that you should not have bothered at all. You should have
kept on your narrow road all along. Your mistakes and mishaps were just part of
the bargain of learning. Love was always waiting for you.
I cannot speak in general
terms about love. I am talking about loving you and what it means to be in
love. I have tried all sorts of things. Dispassionate love, need love, give
love, receive love, wise love, settled love, sense love, and bible totting
love. Love needs no prefix or suffix now. It is simply you.
And the curious thing is
that it does not consist of robbing the value or virtue of others to make your
claim stronger. I do not think that you are better than past lovers and love
attempts. There is no time or space to attack the inherent value of any other
human being. The only thing that is different here is that this feels like
home. This has value in our complete and utter psychopathy and joint-hungers
and general un-wellness. It is hard to explain. Easier to feel and to know.
I remember our first
conversation about God. I was doing something particularly evil and you were as
bright as the sun. I came with schemes and you came with an open heart. I used
to think I was honest but you put me to shame. You are the absolute colour of
white. There are no shadows and no turnings and no hidden walls. Your depth is
in your surface and your surface has all the depth of the universe. I am
encouraged to pray before I talk to you. I know I am a failing ball of light. You
are the exact opposite.
I am not saying you are
without flaws. I am just saying I have not found them yet and I am not looking
for them either. I am here to learn. I am here for the love. And I am glad that
with all my dreams and stirrings and ugliness and wrong, I get to share it with
someone who finally sees all I am and does not flinch. You love with a heart in
God. I am forever powerless against those light and dark arts.
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