“Waking up.”

H,

There is this constant thread in my head when I wake up. It is always: on to the next thing. I am afraid I will never enjoy moments without the weight behind them. I can never just wake up. It has to be for a reason and to serve a purpose. It is never light or comfortable. I see life as a series of tasks to get done as quickly as possible so I can have space and time to do other things.

This is not the usual idea that life is temporal and should be explored with that awareness. This is some other thing. A lack of joy in living. A failure to pause and truly take in the things that matter or to know that we breathe in holy air, so everything matters. There is all this tension and anxiety wrapped up in my bones. I forget to hear the music and then I forget to dance.

I am waking up to the fact that I am wound up. I know this is not something artificial I need to engage. It is not about a holiday or a new sport, I would just find things to be anxious about there to. It is about being present and grounded in this moment. Life is not something that will happen, it is already happening. Every day we wake up is an opportunity to wrestle with the eternal issues of all time.

 We might not be happy. It might be a sad day. We might not get what we want. The usual drugs and addictions that saturate our very existence may not work anymore. Yet, we are alive and there is this tingling sense that another reality is slowly but surely crashing into all of life. It is time to take more deep breaths, understand that joy is knowing that eternity has already begun and engage life with a full heart.