From
Psalm 139:1-4
H,
It is real comfort to know that I am not as spontaneous
to God as I want to appear in real life. You know how I would always quote that
epigram from Norman Mailer’s “Deer Park”:
“do not understand me too quickly.”
Right or wrong, I hate to be explained to myself. I do not know why. It
is all that crushed hope of being read as bad when, even in my own sinful way, I
was attempting to be good.
I do not mind this though. I do not mind when God calls
out my intentions. It is good to know He is well aware how sick His child is.
Right next to our need to be in mysterious shells of self
is the counter-intuitive need to be understood by at least one person. Is that
not another sullen irony? We do not like to be explained around and told who we
are but all of the pursuit of romantic love seems to be the need to find some
stranger, at first, who understands us and to whom we can be ourselves.
It never fully unfolds as the fairy tale in our heads. All
the fights in the world between lovers will track back as a betrayal of that
first gust of mutual understanding. If we stay real long enough, we will
discover that it is a myth for one human heart to know by instinct another
human heart in any full sense. We can endure, ignore or pretend but there is no
lie that can cover the fact that sometimes that person you love is thinking and
acting like a total idiot. The rationalization and/or resolution of this primal
bout of idiocy will break love or make love stay.
So, I am glad to be known by God. It frees the people I love
from my inhumane need to castigate or condemn them when they do not buy into
the hype that is my ego. I am free to come to God knowing He already knows my inner
%$#@^&*. He tells me it is what He came to fix. It is comforting that He
never goes: “Forri, you are absolutely right and so and so, well they are all wrong
and I shall punish them.” It is good for
soul and spirit that He addresses every infraction with others and within me as
a failure to love. He knows me enough to know my grouses are not as original as
I think. In a wide sense He has lived in my skin. He has conquered all my issues
with anger and self worth and the lusty need to get lost in wrong and now
offers to me a better way. Every day, the divine hand stretches out to my light
lacking soul with an indispensable offer to grow, to change and to be more like
the Forri He has always had in mind. He has gone back to the basics. He wants
to make me, and I think you too, perhaps, hehehe, into His full image and
stature.
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