From
Psalms 139:1
H,
You know
that quote I like, the one that says every fight between two lovers is some
version of the statement: “you do not understand me!” It is the seminal attraction one human being
has for another: I am understood by this other person. It is the basis of most
human love. Friends share common ideals and the best of lovers can talk without
fear of being misinterpreted or shut down. It is the ideal that pushes us from
relationship to relationship, seeking that sun of understanding and that pillar
on which to rest a head weary from explaining himself or herself.
It is
rarely like that, though. We cannot read intentions and we learn not to trust
words. We are often only able to judge character by action. We are judged by
this same standard too. It is a bitter experience to be read out your
intentions by others and you know, all the while they are talking, that it is
nothing like what was in your heart at the crucial moment. It is painful not to
be known.
Thinking
of all of these things reminded me of the moment of surrender I had to God. Of course,
in reality, this surrender is a series of moments and not just one. The crucial
one, on this road, has been the realization that I am understood by God. I cannot
tell you how that freed me from the burden of living my life by the preferences
of others. It taught me not to labour to explain myself and not to fret over
the stinging rebuke that comes when others read me wrong. It helped to eschew
the bitter pill of anger and revenge. I realized myself how much I look at
others and judge them when I do not know a thing about who they really are.
This
was the rock of my loving God: He knows me. It declared itself in my heart as a unconditional truth. And more than knowing when I intended to do good he knew
the bad I was trying so desperately to hide. He knew the thoughts I had I could
not share and the struggles I covered up in fake smiles and half laughs. It was
like the dream of every hungry lover come true. He looked at me, He knew, He
accepted, He was guiding me toward change but the quality of His love was not diminished
by the infancy of my eternal heart. I knew I was on to something in that holy
moment of waking up to truth. It is a joyful thing to be known.
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