H,
There is that unique sense
of a growing friendship with God that is at first quite comfortable and then
peaceful. We never lose that peace, in the real sense of the word, but we begin
to see our sense of self challenged by the impending light and sword that is
God speaking directly to us. We cannot be left unchanged by it.
When we were much younger we
were better at fighting this thing. We had two faces: one public and the other
prayer. The prayer part was what we heard God say. The things we knew He wanted
us to be and say and become. The public part was how we interpreted this to the
outside world. We wanted that faux peace that allowed our acts and intentions
not to be questioned by any authority not of God. We wanted to run so fast that
our own doubts and fears could not impinge on the holiness of what we experienced
when we knelt before the holy altar of God’s face. Of course we failed at this
both ways. Being effective in anything takes choice. The middle of the road
approach does not work in spiritual terms. One must swallow up the other.
We could have made our lives
easier with a little more honesty. We could have done with granting ourselves a
little more space. Yet even that is a failure: to criticise what we could not possibly
know how to do better. We only had a taste of the thing. We had not yet hit the
banquet. There is no time for regret that stifles on the road of the narrows. It
is forward movement that is always the cure.
Are we better now? I do not
think we are. Older but I am not even sure if we are wiser. What we are is more
punch drunk. Our problems seem to have escalated and our ability to match them
seems somehow less. It is good. We are heading toward the knock out. We are
here to see stars, after all.
It is from the tomb of our
former selves that we will encounter the promise of a new life and a new way of
living that out. We are here to die and die again until we have a full life of
truth. This sounds horrible but it is not all that bad. And it is a tiny part
of our eternal story in God. Whatever we face today is inferior to the glory
and the love to come.
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